crossroads with a reset button = convenient

Just right then, I had an epiphany. All my human instincts told me to blow off some steam but really, that's not what I wanted at all. A friend, which I just recently thought of as close, told me, "It's OK to be alone," and I totally agree with that. Then again, how true is a fact that you have to keep reminding yourself? As Kelly Clarkson said, "Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone." Do I agree? Do i disagree? Let's just put it this way: A person has as much control over his emotions as he can hold constant in his mind. If you're alone and you tell yourself, "I'm not lonely," truely and surely, you will not feel alone. It's tried and tested, a personal experience and belief; although, I have to concur that not all minds work alike; so just think about it for a second, "Are you as lonely as you feel or as lonely as you allow your mind to think?" If you have to keep reminding yourself, consciously, that you are not lonely, are you really not lonely? It's thoughts like these that make me doubt myself, but stimulating my own mind has always been fun, especially when the stimulation is of a personal interest.

Perhaps... I don't mind thinking about it, but questions that don't really have an answer are scary. They are few and far between, surely, but they're always scary; and why shouldn't they be? A diver looks into chasms of water, so deep and dark that they cannot see anything but blackness beneath them, that some even go into panic. Do you blame them? The unknown is scary. Granted, you have to want to know the answer enough. You have to imagine the possibilities and play them out in your mind, conjure the rainbows and butterflies but also the blackholes and the infinite negative possibilities. Maybe it isn't scary for everyone, but they scare me so there.

So, really, what is the point I'm trying to make? On the one hand, I want to do something but on the other... I really don't. Is that the point? Kind of but not really. The point is, I am lonely, and it's OK. Shouldn't it be? If it should, why do I misdirect my emotions to feel better? Why do I tell myself I'm not lonely when I am instead of embracing it as just what I am? At this point, I'm just contradicting myself, saying things I only half mean. Crossroads; I'll go with one option and see how that goes.

that which is a lot but not enough

"I deserve a lot but she deserves more," that which runs through my mind and haunts me; because I am such a small person that I cannot get past the barrier of this inferiority complex. It plagues me. It really does. Why though? Will a girl who is more superior in intellect judge a man by his achievements? Huh... The logical sequence in my head implies otherwise. Either way, Hansern, you are a huge fuck. What are you doing?

hm...

The days that confine us, so long yet so short, we fool ourselves into thinking that they mark the days, but really, aren't the seconds that count? Because each of us have our lives, but every second, lives are lost; accidental, predicted, unpredicted, how do we know when it ends? So which seconds are the ones that count? Foolishness it is to try to decide, for where does it lie a second which does not? Every second, we are being formed, we are growing, we are becoming more than life, more than moving cells, because thoughts; thoughts are not alive but I'd be damned if they didn't mean at least as much as life.

the what ifs that bind me

Then again, what are you? Once so simple in my thoughts that if we could be great friends, that would be the world to me now seems like the workings of a childish mind; for, sure, you are an amazing friend and, yes, you do give me the companionship that lifts me up and grounds me all at the same time; but is that friendship or is that just you? So we walk forwards from this point and I wonder, just because I can, just because my mind entertains the possibility of something amazing and awesome, what it would be like if I stopped using what ifs.

So, if only you could read minds, which I actually think you might be able, what would you do? Do we stand here and wait, or move forward, or do you just stop me and go forward alone? It's hard to say what you'd do. Then again, that's probably one of the reasons you're so special. What would I do with a person whose mind I can read? How absolutely boring would that be?

So, I thread lightly, not wanting to break the metaphorical ice; but what if that's a stupid thing to do? What if I should just put it behind me because that's really all there is to it? What if I should just speak my mind? These what ifs that glue me to this spot... Frustration.