How does it feel to be pleasantly surprised? I don't know. Have I ever been pleasantly surprised? Let me think about that for a bit... Yes, I have actually. If we are to believe that life is made up of the little things, then this is as little as it gets, but there was kind of a gift exchange at work, 20th December, 2011; I got hand towels. Right now, you're like, "What the fuck, man? Seriously? Hand towels?" I fuck you not, my friends. Hand towels were a pleasant surprise. It's not much, I admit, but I can honestly say it was a pleasant surprise, rather than the ornamental decorations that clutter up the house, collect dust, just chillin in your house not hurting anybody. Granted, this was on a budget of ten bucks from someone I don't know and still don't know for that matter. Not one flying fuck is given though because who cares? I like my hand towels. True story.
Of course, the all too frequent 'pleasant surprise' that has become the pleasant-but-not-very-surprising is beer. I would give my life for beer. Not a lot, just enough to get me where I want to get. Beer is the beverage of Gods. But I'm not here to talk about beer though, fuck that. Beer has gotten enough attention. It's telling though that I would give my life for beer. You now know how much life means to me: by my estimation, two pints of good beer. I don't drink a lot, but I enjoy my drink. How many of you wasted mother fuckers can say that, huh? Puking out your cars on the way home from the clubs, waking up the next day feeling like a rat took a piss down your throat, and chased it the fuck down there, mind blasted to smithereens, rocking an awesome headache all day long. You like that, asshole? Do you? Again though, it's none of my business what people want to do with their lives. I'm happy for you that you can enjoy your life. If you care to pay for it with a bad next day, then it's really none of my business. I salute you, even; you know how to live life. I'm just saying that if you do that, crash somewhere that's also none of my business because if I have to clean up after you, I will give you a drop kick in your sleep, on your nose, with a sledgehammer.
If, by now, you're quite lost about the direction this post is going, let me give you a hand in getting back on track. Paragraph one is bullshit, utter bullshit. There's really not much of a point there. I was just writing whatever came to mind. So paragraph two must be something, then? Not really. It's also a load of crap. OK, maybe there is a point. I think we can all gather from my recent non-posts that my mood has picked up. This post kind of reflects that, but not really. Just to be clear though, life is good. Not that I wouldn't still give it up for two good pints, I'm just saying it's good, or better, at the very least.
Alright then, signing out.
December 24, 2011
December 10, 2011
Awareness, I don't got it
I'm so tired of life. Can you feel it in my words? Probably not. How could you? I've written four sentences so far, none with any amount of detail at all. Do you think you can judge me in four sentences? If you do, you're wrong. I may be meaningless but do you even know what a meaningless person is? Do you even know how a person can become meaningless? In hindsight, I probably didn't need to write all that crap. I doubt anyone thinks they can judge me from the first four sentences of this paragraph. On the other hand, you've probably heard it said enough times to want to forego reading this post altogether. If that's how you feel, I understand. Truly, I understand. The fact of the matter is, this is a stupid post. Why I bother writing it at all escapes me. This post is an embodiment of just about every other post on this stupid blog; depressing to read but with no context whatsoever. I'm surprised this blog gets read at all. It's like the only thing I do on this blog is find new ways to be depressing. Do I do that well? I've been told I do. If you could do me a favour, I'd like to know if that's true.
I feel so lazy and unmotivated. I feel like there's just nothing left for me on this planet. I feel suffocated and alone. I feel lonely and purposeless. What are we doing for ourselves on this planet? We work and we work and we work. When we're old, we stop but then it's too late because we then find ourselves craving something to do, work if it must be that. We just get so bored that we want something in our lives, even if it's something so meaningless as work. We question our purpose on Earth and some may turn to God, some may go help homeless children, some may visit old people, some engage in charity, some turn to their old and withering spouse, wondering which of them will die first, some engage in stupid activities like, well, i'm sure everyone knows some form of stupid activity, while some don't even question. I don't even know what to say about a person who only just starts to think about his/her purpose after they've stopped working so I just won't.
It begs the question though, what is our purpose? Well, it doesn't really... I'm just saying that to fuck with you. If I didn't know what our purpose was, I wouldn't be so damn upset. Actually, not knowing would also upset me a fair bit. Something put us on Earth, a little planet in a galaxy so vast, you couldn't even start to imagine the actual vastness that we're talking about. He sends stars kaboom, He puts us in the path of asteroids, He makes our species unsustainable, He shows us all these planets that are uninhabitable, just balls of elements, basically, and He speaks of an inevitable Doomsday in His little black book. I think you know where I'm getting at. Basically, we have no purpose beyond death. If everyone dies, then that must be the purpose. AmIright? Probably not but I don't even give a fuck. I'm convinced that there really isn't any purpose to be had. You can talk about destiny and fate and all that other rubbish but they're just bullshit. If a person comes up to me and talks to me about destiny, I'll punch their faces in so hard, it would create a time warp, that would kill that mother fucker three years ago.
^ All that is rubbish. I'm just feeling like a piece of shit right now. I wish I knew why. If I did, this post would be a lot more meaningful. Basically, I'm just upset, I don't really know why. I'm upset with myself for being so alone in a world so full of people. I'm upset with myself for having nobody to hug tonight. I'm upset with myself for not having any company. I'm just upset in general and I have no fucking clue why that is. Having no clue why, in itself, also upsets me. Why am I not able to bring the source of these emotions to my awareness? Am I that bloody fucking stupid? I wish I was smarter. Fuck life, signing out.
I feel so lazy and unmotivated. I feel like there's just nothing left for me on this planet. I feel suffocated and alone. I feel lonely and purposeless. What are we doing for ourselves on this planet? We work and we work and we work. When we're old, we stop but then it's too late because we then find ourselves craving something to do, work if it must be that. We just get so bored that we want something in our lives, even if it's something so meaningless as work. We question our purpose on Earth and some may turn to God, some may go help homeless children, some may visit old people, some engage in charity, some turn to their old and withering spouse, wondering which of them will die first, some engage in stupid activities like, well, i'm sure everyone knows some form of stupid activity, while some don't even question. I don't even know what to say about a person who only just starts to think about his/her purpose after they've stopped working so I just won't.
It begs the question though, what is our purpose? Well, it doesn't really... I'm just saying that to fuck with you. If I didn't know what our purpose was, I wouldn't be so damn upset. Actually, not knowing would also upset me a fair bit. Something put us on Earth, a little planet in a galaxy so vast, you couldn't even start to imagine the actual vastness that we're talking about. He sends stars kaboom, He puts us in the path of asteroids, He makes our species unsustainable, He shows us all these planets that are uninhabitable, just balls of elements, basically, and He speaks of an inevitable Doomsday in His little black book. I think you know where I'm getting at. Basically, we have no purpose beyond death. If everyone dies, then that must be the purpose. AmIright? Probably not but I don't even give a fuck. I'm convinced that there really isn't any purpose to be had. You can talk about destiny and fate and all that other rubbish but they're just bullshit. If a person comes up to me and talks to me about destiny, I'll punch their faces in so hard, it would create a time warp, that would kill that mother fucker three years ago.
^ All that is rubbish. I'm just feeling like a piece of shit right now. I wish I knew why. If I did, this post would be a lot more meaningful. Basically, I'm just upset, I don't really know why. I'm upset with myself for being so alone in a world so full of people. I'm upset with myself for having nobody to hug tonight. I'm upset with myself for not having any company. I'm just upset in general and I have no fucking clue why that is. Having no clue why, in itself, also upsets me. Why am I not able to bring the source of these emotions to my awareness? Am I that bloody fucking stupid? I wish I was smarter. Fuck life, signing out.
December 9, 2011
Sleep Forever
I've been going to sleep hoping I don't wake up. Is that a bad thing, in general? I mean, on one hand, we all want to be happy. Then again, aren't people disappointed in life, in general? If I look at it that way, isn't that an OK thing? Probably not.
December 5, 2011
Zero
I expect a tiring day tomorrow at work. Well, maybe not tiring in the usual sense. It's more like I'm expecting to be as bored as usual which makes me sleepy which means I'll have to try so hard to stay awake which is tiring because... I don't know, fine, not tiring. Just extremely boring.
I know I don't usually do a post about my day to day life but just to add some context to this post, I'll do that. Hopefully, it does add some context and hopefully, I do have a point. Last week, I was given a spreadsheet to assist me in analysing private car thefts. I think I don't have to explain what that is. If anyone reads my posts, I attribute to them a high enough level of intellect. Otherwise, you wouldn't be reading all this crap. Anyway, I spent most of two days on it, or to be more exact, about 16 hours minus the five or so hours nodding off at my workstation. My conclusion, while important to me at the time but not really in general, was partially made and I needed additional information to continue. I approached my colleague to ask him where I may get it. Sure enough, he knew where, he had it, but he proceeded to tell me that my statistics was taken up to June while his consists of newer more relevant information up to August. Naturally, I was dumbfounded. I understood my input to be more valuable than a careless shrug placed so timely at the end of my work. Apparently, my input counted for squat because nobody even gives a flying fuck. Since he was also almost finished with the analysis, I slid away to continue looking at the outdated information, not sure how to continue. That was about two hours before my day at the office ended. I spent the rest of it trying to stay awake looking at numbers no longer relevant to me, to my colleagues, to the company, to anybody at all.
My point is that at the end of the day, do you know where your value lies? Is it in the quality of your work? Is it in the quality of your life? Is it in your life in general? Who knows anymore? For all you know, your value is null. I know mine is. My work has no value and by extension, in the sense that my work would constitute all I am worth to the world, my life value is null. It makes me sad to know this. Truly it does. It makes me feel like I've just had the rug pulled out from under my feet, no warning at all. In the two months I've been doing my internship, I feel I have contributed nothing at all to anybody. What I feel is that I may have learned a thing or two, but I have yet to prove useful beyond grunt work focused at cleaning up someone else mess, someone unimportant and irrelevant to boot. I feel like I have lost all credibility as a person who might have had the potential to bring something to greater heights, though that in itself may be aiming too high, being the single irrelevant person that I am.
I never write these things to garner support or comfort. I don't need those things. I can hold myself up just fine, thank you. I'm just saying these things as a means of expressing something intrinsic in the life we actually hold. To say that we are valuable human beings, each and every one of us, would be an outrageous lie; one that I myself would never believe. At the end of the day, what are you to the people around you?
Signing out.
I know I don't usually do a post about my day to day life but just to add some context to this post, I'll do that. Hopefully, it does add some context and hopefully, I do have a point. Last week, I was given a spreadsheet to assist me in analysing private car thefts. I think I don't have to explain what that is. If anyone reads my posts, I attribute to them a high enough level of intellect. Otherwise, you wouldn't be reading all this crap. Anyway, I spent most of two days on it, or to be more exact, about 16 hours minus the five or so hours nodding off at my workstation. My conclusion, while important to me at the time but not really in general, was partially made and I needed additional information to continue. I approached my colleague to ask him where I may get it. Sure enough, he knew where, he had it, but he proceeded to tell me that my statistics was taken up to June while his consists of newer more relevant information up to August. Naturally, I was dumbfounded. I understood my input to be more valuable than a careless shrug placed so timely at the end of my work. Apparently, my input counted for squat because nobody even gives a flying fuck. Since he was also almost finished with the analysis, I slid away to continue looking at the outdated information, not sure how to continue. That was about two hours before my day at the office ended. I spent the rest of it trying to stay awake looking at numbers no longer relevant to me, to my colleagues, to the company, to anybody at all.
My point is that at the end of the day, do you know where your value lies? Is it in the quality of your work? Is it in the quality of your life? Is it in your life in general? Who knows anymore? For all you know, your value is null. I know mine is. My work has no value and by extension, in the sense that my work would constitute all I am worth to the world, my life value is null. It makes me sad to know this. Truly it does. It makes me feel like I've just had the rug pulled out from under my feet, no warning at all. In the two months I've been doing my internship, I feel I have contributed nothing at all to anybody. What I feel is that I may have learned a thing or two, but I have yet to prove useful beyond grunt work focused at cleaning up someone else mess, someone unimportant and irrelevant to boot. I feel like I have lost all credibility as a person who might have had the potential to bring something to greater heights, though that in itself may be aiming too high, being the single irrelevant person that I am.
I never write these things to garner support or comfort. I don't need those things. I can hold myself up just fine, thank you. I'm just saying these things as a means of expressing something intrinsic in the life we actually hold. To say that we are valuable human beings, each and every one of us, would be an outrageous lie; one that I myself would never believe. At the end of the day, what are you to the people around you?
Signing out.
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