reflection of my last relationship

When was it that I became blinded to the cause of my own demise? There never seemed to be a lack of things to blame; and of course, that's because the root cause is always the most trivial, building onto its own frame, lego by lego, until it became the pyramid holding up my ego. Unable to climb down its steep sides, i stayed there and watched, from the best view, the top of my pyramid, my high horse, so to speak, as everything crumbled around me, not having the support the materials of my pyramid could otherwise have offered, if only I could let go of this fucking pyramid; but I treasured it too much. How utterly foolish of me.

Could it be that had I had the foresight and wisdom to see, really see, that I would have led myself down a different path? A path where I did not grow weary of the one thing truly worth fighting for? Or rather, that my weariness would not give way to weakness to cause me to throw away the one thing I at one time told myself was everything? (Was it everything?) It's come to a point where I feel I must question everything; and why not? Surely, I can't be the only one to blame; and yet again, I am the loser. I've lost the girl, I've lost the partner, and I am the one alone while she has moved on, happy hopefully... So maybe it is everything. Sure, I'm not particularly miserable but to say I'm happy where I am would be a complete and utter lie... And so, where should I start? I'm quick to put the blame on myself, on how I could have done it differently, on how I could have made it better, but I can't be the only one to blame. So in the interest of fairness, let's start there. What were the three things she did wrong?

i) She was overly emotional and sensitive, with hardly any regard as to how that affected me, how it was consuming me and my energy and my time.
(But which girl isn't? To say that you lost hours, come on, buddy, you knew that was coming and you gladly gave it away at first when it was exciting and fun. So, why not at the end? What exactly did you grow tired of? Was it the fact that you felt it was uncalled for, that it was boring you, that it was stupid? She surely didn't think that. She was in fucking pain and all you can do is complain, saying that she doesn't want to get better, that she didn't want solace, that all she wanted to do is fucking complain and complain and be a pain in the ass, while all that time you were sat there like an idiot and trying to pretend it matters but you never truly understood it. So why didn't you say something? Why didn't you treat her with a little bit of respect and dignity and showed her that it mattered?
Because it didn't.
But didn't it?
Did it?
Didn't it?
It does. She was suffering. That had to mean something.
If you don't understand it, say so. Be honest with her and yourself. Be able to say that you want to understand what she's feeling and then really try to understand her feelings, try to understand what the point of this is, try to understand what she wants and needs of you, and try, for fucks sake try, to be human for her. If you care, tell her that you care, if you want to understand, tell her you want to understand, don't just sit there and listen and say nothing because that's what tells her you don't give a flying shit about anybody but yourself. Show her something. Because there really has to be something in there. Don't be afraid to sound stupid. You're not expected to have all the answers. You're just expected to care. You're not expected to fix it. You are just. expected. to care. If you don't know what is expected of you, just ask. "Do you expect me to comfort you? Do you expect me to advise you? Or do you want me to just listen?" You're not going to offend anybody by being stupid. Maybe youself. But you are going to by staying stupid. Because if you don't get the point, then we're all fucking idiots in this game of life because none the fuck of us are going to get what we want. And at least one of us should get that little. Because it's not a lot, you fucker. It's not a lot. All that each of us want is to be whole. To do a little good. To have someone who cares. Really cares. So we need you to do this. This is your first mistake and you better not fucking repeat this one because it's a stupid collosal mistake, trust me on that. It's a truly gargantuan mistake you should not bring with you into the next relationship.)

ii) She would get so jealous, never forgiving me for even the smallest mistake, she would always be armed with it, holding it against me, and she would never let it go. When we fought, she would always bring it up, and that created a rift between us, and it destroyed us. She always had a finger pointed at the mistakes I made.
(This one is on her. But it's also on you. Did you ever tell her how much it fucked you up? You did, didn't you? You told her every day that you've made a mistake, and you did, but she might have been spending the rest of her life with you. Couldn't she see that mistakes were coming? Couldn't she see that you're not perfect though you tried really hard to be for her?
I guess I didn't try that hard to be perfect for her. But I did try. I'm not trying to justify it. It's true, I did try.
Then you just need to sit her down and say this. "I'm not a perfect person. I'm going to make mistakes. But I want you to know that no matter what mistakes I make, at the end of the day, I still want to be with you. I didn't make the mistake to upset you. And I surely regret them. And I'm not saying you shouldn't get upset with me because you're completely justified in it. Mistakes make people angry. But at some point, I need you to forgive me for my misgivings. I need you to be able to let go of your anger towards me, to say, "Fine, you're off the hook. Your actions really hurt me but I'm willing to let them go because I love you just as much as you love me. And I want us to go over this hurdle." And I'll tell you now that I'm going to make a lot of mistakes. But I love you and I want to be better for you. And I want to be honest with you, and I want to share everything with you and keep no secrets. But to do that, I need you to forgive me for being a human, a faulty human with faulty thinking and faulty parts. And I promise that I will always extend you that same uncompromising love. And if we can't do this for each other, eventually, we're going to fall apart. So if you can't do this for me, then tell me now and I will walk out of that door for you and spare you all that pain. I don't want to hurt you but I will. Because life is long and I am imperfect. But every day you let me, I will try to be a better man for you. That's my promise." Now, this is your responsibility and don't you ever let yourself forget it. Truth, honesty and sacrifice is your life now and she can either walk away or accept that but you should always fight for her. You understand me?)

iii) She was very negative, damaging to my well-being, she never wanted to change.
(Well, I don't know, you kind of got yourself into that one on your own, didn't you? Was she always like that?... Yes, she was, you didn't do anything to make it worse. Well, maybe you did, you drove her into that corner and never let her out. You tried to change her but then it was only a year, wasn't it? You had barely started dating her.
But it was so tiring having to put up with that shit. Is this one really my fault as well?
Well, yes, you're always saying how you are an imperfect human being and you need forgiveness for not being everything you ought to be. She also needs this, she needs space and time to be the best version of herself, just like you. She doesn't want to rot in the shell of a woman. She wants the best for herself just like you want the best for her. Everybody fucking does. But you have to give her time and you have to give her the space to back out of the shithole you cornered her in, because every time you push her in that corner, she digs herself in just a little more, until she's so far in that hole that she needs a fucking excavator to get her out. Just give her space and protection and she will come out on her own, when she is ready. It might take a year, it might fucking take ten, but this is exactly what you've been fighting for for yourself. So give her a little fucking space and time. Man up and practice what you fucking preach, alright? Don't be a mother fucking cunt. Be honest and open about what you think she's doing right. Don't give yourself a fucking pat on the back everytime she changes and say that's all you because that's how you get people to not do the fucking thing you wanted them to do. Alright? Say this: "I like that you're optimistic about this. It gives me hope and joy and it puts a smile on my face and I love you more for it. You're strong and you're tenacious. No, don't joke about it or minimize it. Don't put up your self-defence mechanisms because I'm not attacking you. You're amazing and every day I'm with you makes me feel more hopeful, more alive, and more joyful than ever before. I really mean that.")

So what did you learn from this? Because you can blame anyone the fuck to Mars and back but that will get you fucking nowhere, OK? So do your part. Please. Because you're going to die alone, I don't know if you know that, going down this god-forsaken path. And every day you spend in your cognitive dissonance reducing habits is another day wasted not spending your life with your perfect partner. Don't give up, don't blame your partner, look within to fix yourself before you try to fix anyone else, and last of all, don't... don't fuck this up, buddy. This may be your last chance to do something good with your life and I love you and I hope you know that. That you're loved. Yes, by yourself, but maybe that's enough for now, while you find her, and when you do, don't fucking fuck it up. You've got this.