It's been awhile, hasn't it? Inspiration hasn't been knocking on my door lately; it could be today but I'm not sure yet. I don't have anything at this point but it usually flows by itself; we'll see. Anyway, it's not an epiphany. I don't even know why I'm feeling a little alone today. I'm thinking it's because I'm left to my own thoughts. That said, I must have pretty depressing thoughts by nature...
Anyway, I was hit, today, by how little there is to do. All that crap people give about not enough time to do things in life... It must be bull. I don't even know what they mean... I'm pretty much done for my part. Making plans, going out, meeting people... I think it's overrated. Otherwise, why would i be so bored of it? What am I missing here? Am I not spending enough? Girls seem to find that favourable for some reason. Maybe that's it... It can't be the activities; I'm bored of everything I can even think of... Unless mass suicide is in. I feel I could go for that. Then again, I'm not sure. What is there to do? It's like... Everything is either too expensive or too boring. Otherwise, it's just not a rational idea. Why can't I be interested in watching movies like other people? Or in getting high? Or... in racing? Or watching football? Or collecting stamps? Or even eating? I need a hobby... But everything seems like too much of a hassle. Geez... I guess I really am done with life...
Back out, back out. Lets rewind a little here; get to the root of the problem.
Hmm? It's me?
Well, whad'ya know? I guess it is. I do enjoy blogging though. Or just writing in general... But it's only so often a person can get inspiration to write. There're so many topics... Yet, none interest me. Why is that? Am I too picky? Am I mentally retarded? Or to put it in so-called better terms, mentally challenged? Maybe I should see a psychiatrist or something... But that's also a huge hassle...
Life is so boring... I hope death is somehow better. If that's where I'm spending all of eternity, it better be...
Anyway, what's up with the church bombings? You know a twisted God lives when his followers bomb places... That's not being extreme; that's delusion if I ever saw it. That's like saying, "According to my God, you're not entitled to a point of view. Believe in my God or get bombed." Yes, so I made it sound a little silly... But am I silly for pointing it out or are they silly for sending the message? You tell me...
Fuck this. Signing off.
January 10, 2010
December 16, 2009
Abrupt
He starts to wonder what this is all about; life, relationships, recognition, knowledge... And he knows it's all futile... Like... Like a tree... Growing... And then getting cut down... The chainsaw brutalizing its trunk... And the fell swoop ending in a crash... A sign its life is near its end... A monstrous growth in the soil; still there... Showing it existed... But only until it rots and decays and mushrooms grow over it... In a way, its death means a new existence... But not of its own volition... If a tree could think... What would it think about? A life of stagnant repose... Of empty promises and lost hope... We all come and go... Life goes on and you never really know where it began and where it will end... The past lost, the future unknown... You just know that life is there. A school of thought runs through the mind as rain drops fall all around; all over... And he knows... That it's all futile...
A flash and a fall... He falls to the ground never really knowing what hit him... In a flurry of emotions, he wonders about his place here... On Earth... Where the will of humans to achieve success deludes him... Why is it that after so many centuries, the people have only now come to see that... See what? And that's the point exactly... They have come to see nothing... Why is success so important in the continuation of life? Why is it that we all have to strive for the same thing? Being put here on Earth is... Well, stupid... Why do people never tire of advancement? When will we stop this stupid shit? When will the mother fucking world end? 2012? I wish. It'd save me the trouble, surely... So many questions posed... And for what? He starts to realize that the questions he asks... They are the questions that mean something to him... As opposed to questions from the government, from his schools and university, from maths, physics, chemistry and biology, from everywhere else, basically... But why? They are the questions that are the most meaningless! They are the questions whose answers matter least! Questions whose answers would not change anything! Is it because they will lead him to a better place? What difference does it make if he knows the answer to these questions? What will he do if he knows the world will end? What will he do if he knows life on Earth is perpetual? What difference does it make?
He has become tired; of living, of loving, of life, of success, of the pursuit of knowledge, of the world, of the people, of the trees, of the animals... Of everything, really... He just wants to die... Painlessly, if possible... But he knows, short of suicide, things will not end so easily... It's no longer a question of, "Why live?" But rather, it has become a statement of, "Let life end." A question is different from a statement of course... It's a matter of principle. It was once ago that he asked. Now, he states. Willingness to let go; you know it's different from inquisition... You know it's different from answers... You know it's just something you should take at face value because there's nothing more to it than that and also nothing less. If you're willing to let everything you once fought for go, what does that make you? Albeit a little nonchalantly, it was the things he strove for. All the things he strove for without ever really caring. It was just something he knew he had to do. Merely because they were there. But why did he have to do them? For the people around him? He doesn't care about the people around him. For the world at large? Pfft, yeah, sure it matters... But even if it did, he doesn't care about the world at large. For his life? He doesn't care about that either. You want to know why he did them? Because he was alive. The most subtle reasons can bring a person to do things. The willingness to let go... But not the willingness to be the cause...
A life of contradiction, surely. He tries to prove God doesn't exist but believes in God... And he wants to die but doesn't take the necessary action to end it... He studies although he doesn't believe it will make any difference... But most importantly, he lives on when he doesn't want to. For what? For who? No, it's nothing like that... It just is... Maybe because he's stupid for believing some things more than others although this belief is improbable... Maybe he just wants to do what's right... Because in his own warped way of thinking, he's doing it right... But if you really must know... He doesn't want to go to hell for murder.
A flash and a fall... He falls to the ground never really knowing what hit him... In a flurry of emotions, he wonders about his place here... On Earth... Where the will of humans to achieve success deludes him... Why is it that after so many centuries, the people have only now come to see that... See what? And that's the point exactly... They have come to see nothing... Why is success so important in the continuation of life? Why is it that we all have to strive for the same thing? Being put here on Earth is... Well, stupid... Why do people never tire of advancement? When will we stop this stupid shit? When will the mother fucking world end? 2012? I wish. It'd save me the trouble, surely... So many questions posed... And for what? He starts to realize that the questions he asks... They are the questions that mean something to him... As opposed to questions from the government, from his schools and university, from maths, physics, chemistry and biology, from everywhere else, basically... But why? They are the questions that are the most meaningless! They are the questions whose answers matter least! Questions whose answers would not change anything! Is it because they will lead him to a better place? What difference does it make if he knows the answer to these questions? What will he do if he knows the world will end? What will he do if he knows life on Earth is perpetual? What difference does it make?
He has become tired; of living, of loving, of life, of success, of the pursuit of knowledge, of the world, of the people, of the trees, of the animals... Of everything, really... He just wants to die... Painlessly, if possible... But he knows, short of suicide, things will not end so easily... It's no longer a question of, "Why live?" But rather, it has become a statement of, "Let life end." A question is different from a statement of course... It's a matter of principle. It was once ago that he asked. Now, he states. Willingness to let go; you know it's different from inquisition... You know it's different from answers... You know it's just something you should take at face value because there's nothing more to it than that and also nothing less. If you're willing to let everything you once fought for go, what does that make you? Albeit a little nonchalantly, it was the things he strove for. All the things he strove for without ever really caring. It was just something he knew he had to do. Merely because they were there. But why did he have to do them? For the people around him? He doesn't care about the people around him. For the world at large? Pfft, yeah, sure it matters... But even if it did, he doesn't care about the world at large. For his life? He doesn't care about that either. You want to know why he did them? Because he was alive. The most subtle reasons can bring a person to do things. The willingness to let go... But not the willingness to be the cause...
A life of contradiction, surely. He tries to prove God doesn't exist but believes in God... And he wants to die but doesn't take the necessary action to end it... He studies although he doesn't believe it will make any difference... But most importantly, he lives on when he doesn't want to. For what? For who? No, it's nothing like that... It just is... Maybe because he's stupid for believing some things more than others although this belief is improbable... Maybe he just wants to do what's right... Because in his own warped way of thinking, he's doing it right... But if you really must know... He doesn't want to go to hell for murder.
October 16, 2009
Do We Really Need To Know?
In a corner of this house, a bulb lights up; an idea, a concept, a result of mental understanding and awareness... Why have we been placed on Earth? Reading it now, it sounds simple... but think about it. Really think about it. Is it to go to heaven? Is it to continue the existence of a species of animals who are just like you? A species of animals that sooner or later will realise there is no intrinsic value in growth and become extinct anyway? A species of animals... that don't know why they exist themselves?
Sometimes, I feel that all the things we do are downright useless. What's the point of growth? What's the point of progression? What's the point of accumulating knowledge? What's the point of life? An exercise at futility, maybe? What is this? For nineteen years now... for almost half my desired lifetime... What are we doing? We move about in our own little world... ignorant to everything... not knowing why we lead the life that we lead... It feels like nothing matters... What's success when placed beside the concept of death? Why do we struggle with all the little things? All this accumulation of knowledge business... Are we just trying to start a tempest in a teacup after all? And for what? Wouldn't it be better to never have been born at all? The more I try to find a reason for this existence, the more lost I find myself. It's obvious to me now that there is no reason. We just do... In that case, wouldn't it be easier to not?
We've answered so many questions now... We know the constitution of a meteor, the Sun, Pluto... We know almost everything about the insides of a human... We know the speed of light and even the constitution of, possibly, every single atom on Earth... But we don't know why we exist. There is no one set of answers for this that are objectively chiselled into stone... and frankly, I'm tired of this. I'm tired of living. I'm tired of being led around by scholars, scientists, prophets, teachers, 'religious teachings', philosophies and all that crap. I'm tired of living a life so devoid of reason and answers. I don't even want to find out. I just want it to end... crumble into dust and disappear...
It's like asking, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"Even that, the existence of a chicken, we don't know for sure. If we trace back to evolution, we see that the egg came first. And then again, if there really is a God, either one could have come first. In which case, we ask, "Does that really even matter?" If the egg came first without evolution and let's just say this egg suddenly appears out of nothing, what would incubate it? If we say the egg comes first, then what about humans? Which came first, the mother or the baby? It should be obvious by now, then, that the parents must come first, right? And when it all comes down to it, which came first, God or humans? Does God even exist? If he created us, who created Him? Does He know where he came from? If He does, does he know what created Him? Did he just appear out of a vacuum in the universe? Did he just appear in, say, Heaven? And if so, who created Heaven? In any case, where did the vacuum even come from? Why is there a space for there to be a vacuum? Who created the vacuum?
And so on and so forth. This really is a pointless question... Like life... Nothing more than a question that will never be answered. And then again, does it matter? Maybe not... It is the past, after all... but what are we working towards? What's the future for? Do we get a prize if we can expand our knowledge to know every single thing about this universe? If so, what would that prize be? Does this prize matter when we die? That's that... Signing off.
Sometimes, I feel that all the things we do are downright useless. What's the point of growth? What's the point of progression? What's the point of accumulating knowledge? What's the point of life? An exercise at futility, maybe? What is this? For nineteen years now... for almost half my desired lifetime... What are we doing? We move about in our own little world... ignorant to everything... not knowing why we lead the life that we lead... It feels like nothing matters... What's success when placed beside the concept of death? Why do we struggle with all the little things? All this accumulation of knowledge business... Are we just trying to start a tempest in a teacup after all? And for what? Wouldn't it be better to never have been born at all? The more I try to find a reason for this existence, the more lost I find myself. It's obvious to me now that there is no reason. We just do... In that case, wouldn't it be easier to not?
We've answered so many questions now... We know the constitution of a meteor, the Sun, Pluto... We know almost everything about the insides of a human... We know the speed of light and even the constitution of, possibly, every single atom on Earth... But we don't know why we exist. There is no one set of answers for this that are objectively chiselled into stone... and frankly, I'm tired of this. I'm tired of living. I'm tired of being led around by scholars, scientists, prophets, teachers, 'religious teachings', philosophies and all that crap. I'm tired of living a life so devoid of reason and answers. I don't even want to find out. I just want it to end... crumble into dust and disappear...
It's like asking, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"Even that, the existence of a chicken, we don't know for sure. If we trace back to evolution, we see that the egg came first. And then again, if there really is a God, either one could have come first. In which case, we ask, "Does that really even matter?" If the egg came first without evolution and let's just say this egg suddenly appears out of nothing, what would incubate it? If we say the egg comes first, then what about humans? Which came first, the mother or the baby? It should be obvious by now, then, that the parents must come first, right? And when it all comes down to it, which came first, God or humans? Does God even exist? If he created us, who created Him? Does He know where he came from? If He does, does he know what created Him? Did he just appear out of a vacuum in the universe? Did he just appear in, say, Heaven? And if so, who created Heaven? In any case, where did the vacuum even come from? Why is there a space for there to be a vacuum? Who created the vacuum?
And so on and so forth. This really is a pointless question... Like life... Nothing more than a question that will never be answered. And then again, does it matter? Maybe not... It is the past, after all... but what are we working towards? What's the future for? Do we get a prize if we can expand our knowledge to know every single thing about this universe? If so, what would that prize be? Does this prize matter when we die? That's that... Signing off.
September 11, 2009
Funny Thing, Life Is...
Look at what I've become... Look at what my blog has become... It makes me sad to realize that I've lost a part of me that, once upon a time, was such a prominent part of me. The part of me that wrote that life is meaningless... life is useless... life is going to end and we're all going straight to... hell? heaven? Who knows anymore? The religious teachings of thousands of years ago has come to converge at a single point in time, the present, diluted and somewhat tainted. Some people now believe that by accepting a religion, they're granted access to heaven automatically; like it's their birthright... like they were born to go to heaven no matter what sins they may commit. It's kinda sad, really. What was once a divine, organized approach to human spirituality has become a calling for knaves to extort money out of people with unwarranted insecurities trying to tie their life down to something more than just life before death; to cultures and beliefs and generally just to lose themselves in ignorance and denial. But enough about that. What do I know about religion? Almost nothing at all...
So where were we? Ah, yes, the part that I lost. I remember it like yesterday. This life never changes. After almost 3 years, I'm still sitting in the same chair, now a little torn up, reminiscing about times I used to have just having fun. The good days pass by so quickly. Now all that's left is to grow up and be a dull lifeless adult. Just like I planned. To think I planned all this while still having fun. So what does the future hold? Absolutely nothing... Like yesterday... Like today... Like tomorrow... Life is meaningless after all. It almost makes me want to laugh out loud. Meaningless routines... Meaningless times... Meaningless days... Meaningless accumulation of meaninglessness.
Day after day, going through what could be the last day of life... Or the first day... 19 years just crossed out of the list... The remaining yet to be told... And for what?
.
.
.
Insightful...
Do we have nothing more to add to the world? Sometimes, I can't help but to question... Question what? Everything... As art and music fade into the background, fade eternally and become specks of data in a database nobody accesses, I can't help but feel I'm a little lost. Where do we go from here? Times change, people advance... Data is gained, data is lost... New things are learnt, taken advantage of and forgotten... Yet some things never change... Like poverty, lies and deceit, good versus evil... People never seem to get bored of the conceptual interferences that we assume by nature are true.
Then what is for tomorrow? A bright light... A light that engulfs everything and then becomes darkness. Not like a supernova... But like a change that removes everything. A bad change? Maybe. Or a good change? Maybe.
It has come; a time of wandering and discovery which expands so far and so fast that it's baffling to think just a century ago, people were still travelling by carts pulled by bulls and stalls fixed on elephants. Well, more so then than now anyway. Some people are left behind; no avoiding that. Men will always require someone to step on when they succeed. It's the law of nature, after all. So... Technological advancements, educational growth; what's it all coming to? Where's it all heading and what does that mean for us? What does it mean for humanity who is destined to extinct and fade away, followed closely by 'human technology' and 'human psychology' leading to a void filled by non-living molecules, unable to inherit said knowledge? It's all so meaningless... lol. That's that...
So where were we? Ah, yes, the part that I lost. I remember it like yesterday. This life never changes. After almost 3 years, I'm still sitting in the same chair, now a little torn up, reminiscing about times I used to have just having fun. The good days pass by so quickly. Now all that's left is to grow up and be a dull lifeless adult. Just like I planned. To think I planned all this while still having fun. So what does the future hold? Absolutely nothing... Like yesterday... Like today... Like tomorrow... Life is meaningless after all. It almost makes me want to laugh out loud. Meaningless routines... Meaningless times... Meaningless days... Meaningless accumulation of meaninglessness.
Day after day, going through what could be the last day of life... Or the first day... 19 years just crossed out of the list... The remaining yet to be told... And for what?
.
.
.
Insignificant mortals, who are as leaves are, now flourish and grow warm with life, and feed on what the ground gives, but then again fade away and are dead.
Is the reality we know a reality imposed to us by nature? Is the reality and the meaning of life a creation of men, such as music, or love or colors?
Science tells us that there isn't such things as music, harmony or colors in the physical world. Just traveling molecules: «There is not, external to us, hot or cold, but only different velocities of molecules; there aren’t sounds, callings, harmonies, but just variations in the pressure of the air; there aren’t colours, or light, just electro-magnetic waves», said H. Von Foerster.
Insightful...
Do we have nothing more to add to the world? Sometimes, I can't help but to question... Question what? Everything... As art and music fade into the background, fade eternally and become specks of data in a database nobody accesses, I can't help but feel I'm a little lost. Where do we go from here? Times change, people advance... Data is gained, data is lost... New things are learnt, taken advantage of and forgotten... Yet some things never change... Like poverty, lies and deceit, good versus evil... People never seem to get bored of the conceptual interferences that we assume by nature are true.
Then what is for tomorrow? A bright light... A light that engulfs everything and then becomes darkness. Not like a supernova... But like a change that removes everything. A bad change? Maybe. Or a good change? Maybe.
It has come; a time of wandering and discovery which expands so far and so fast that it's baffling to think just a century ago, people were still travelling by carts pulled by bulls and stalls fixed on elephants. Well, more so then than now anyway. Some people are left behind; no avoiding that. Men will always require someone to step on when they succeed. It's the law of nature, after all. So... Technological advancements, educational growth; what's it all coming to? Where's it all heading and what does that mean for us? What does it mean for humanity who is destined to extinct and fade away, followed closely by 'human technology' and 'human psychology' leading to a void filled by non-living molecules, unable to inherit said knowledge? It's all so meaningless... lol. That's that...
September 8, 2009
There Is A Monkey In My Computer Room
Hanyang's dumb. Gahahaha. He's a dumb slubberdegullion. He shall suffer a wanweird. *cachinnation...
.
.
.
Witzelsucht...
A suit is the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.
Woot! Random!
.
.
.
Witzelsucht...
A suit is the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.
Woot! Random!
August 16, 2009
And When The Winds Blow
What you have before you is an illusion;
a slightly realistic model of what could be anything at all.
Shady, faded, cloudy are but words you can use to describe such a thing...
yet so magnificent in its brilliance...
and yet again, so frail.
So frail that when the winds blow, it floats...
and when a storm hits, it flies...
and when a gale comes, it is sliced...
into a thousand distinct positions with over a billion distinct combinations of landing spots...
maybe in rain...
or cold nights...
or even erupting volcanoes or stagnant land...
So it is, that when the winds blow, you will see that it has disappeared.
Nothing more, nothing less.
It vanishes into the air like smoke dispersing.
There one second, gone the next.
Not entirely a fascinating sight but worth so much more than words can say.
When it has shattered, edges turn black,
spreading over the form,
covering the picture with hate and manipulation,
lies and deceit...
until it is said, "No more," and one more bites the dust...
It is a manifestation...
Of an ugly reality borne by ugly forces;
greed... hate...
forcing its way into crevices and holes;
chinks in the armor...
It eats and tugs until there is no more...
A metaphor for confidence.
a slightly realistic model of what could be anything at all.
Shady, faded, cloudy are but words you can use to describe such a thing...
yet so magnificent in its brilliance...
and yet again, so frail.
So frail that when the winds blow, it floats...
and when a storm hits, it flies...
and when a gale comes, it is sliced...
into a thousand distinct positions with over a billion distinct combinations of landing spots...
maybe in rain...
or cold nights...
or even erupting volcanoes or stagnant land...
So it is, that when the winds blow, you will see that it has disappeared.
Nothing more, nothing less.
It vanishes into the air like smoke dispersing.
There one second, gone the next.
Not entirely a fascinating sight but worth so much more than words can say.
When it has shattered, edges turn black,
spreading over the form,
covering the picture with hate and manipulation,
lies and deceit...
until it is said, "No more," and one more bites the dust...
It is a manifestation...
Of an ugly reality borne by ugly forces;
greed... hate...
forcing its way into crevices and holes;
chinks in the armor...
It eats and tugs until there is no more...
A metaphor for confidence.
August 1, 2009
Failure...
As the seconds tick by, he starts to realise it's not as simple as he made it out to be. All the facts are but mixed signals; unorganized, barely recognizable, not at all understandable. He feels the fear seep into his knees as his legs become jelly. Mind racing uncomfortably, hand shaking uncontrollably, he's becoming more and more desperate as his hands start to sweat, the tool of the trade already slipping back and forth in his hands as his momentum dwindles and finally comes to a stop. He's blankly staring now, unsure of what to do. Whether to continue just for the fucks of it or to stop and give up instead of coming up with more wrong answers like he knows he will. It's ironic, of course, this has been what he's been doing all his life. All so same... Yet so different. As his mind blanks out, he realizes he could've done better; more in some way. But life's like that; the second chances are to those who don't deserve it; those who continue doing it when all's said and done and continue doing the wrong thing. No, for this guy, the chance has slipped and the results are inevitable. This is the end for him. This affirms the fact that he has lost; that this is the end of the road and there's only one thing waiting at the end; failure.
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