peaks and troughs

Today i realize that I am not a good boyfriend; I am not a good person, I am not a good partner, I do not add value to my relationships. Which in itself is not a big issue, or at least, it would not have been for a while until now. For much of my pre-adulthood and even for much of my adulthood so far, that has not been a problem. Why? I suppose because I've mostly been alone; alone to eat, alone to watch movies, alone to play games, alone to live, alone to myself. Well, not totally alone, of course. I have brothers, I have friends, but nobody I've been truly responsible to. Nobody that will wait up for me or wake up for me in the middle of the morning. I was responsible for myself and that was that. Accepting another person into my life isn't a foreign concept, nor is it something I've never done. Yet, somehow, I'm only realizing now that I've been a bad partner. Why? It's hard to say. Perhaps because people outside of a relationship don't really expect anything of you. If you tell them you'll meet them for lunch an hour before, they'll say, "Yes," or they'll say, "No." If they say, "Yes," they expect your company for the duration of a lunch and that'll be that. If they say, "No," well, no big deal, you're both on your way and you don't think about that person for the next week or so. Maybe I just haven't come to terms with the fact that a relationship isn't just about having someone there. It's about thinking about their feelings, keeping them updated, synchronizing your schedules, finding time within and without, respecting their wishes, respecting their time, respecting their communication, whether you understand it or not. Of course, you might not understand it immediately, you've grown up in adequately different contexts, you have different understandings of what you owe to the other, you have different values, and that is all acceptable, even sought after, because isn't that how a diverse organization works? People with different values and understandings coming together to solve problems more effectively? Does that also mean more conflict, misunderstandings, and problems? Yes, I suppose it would, but the idea is that the net worth should increase, after all is said and done.

So that brings us to today, and my partner is visibly furious at me. I've done something wrong: providing the understanding that we will be eating lunch together, unbeknownst to me but that's no excuse. I take full responsibility for my words, for not communicating better. Because my disrespect of my own time has translated to the disrespect for the time of other people. Because I seem to not have acquired the valuable skill that is expectation management and communication. Because I take favors for granted and imagine them to be at my disposal, despite everything. And I am wrong.

The truth is, Jade, you've been very understanding up until this point, and you've been an amazing friend, partner, and lover. The way you go out of your way to do little things for me like bring me tea, get me cakes, check whether I have dinner, share with me your interests, pick me up from the airport, love me, care for me, take me out, watch out for me, just some of the things that I appreciate so much. Yet, all I have ever given back is heartache, never gone out of my way to surprise you, never gone out of my way to exceed your expectations, never gone out of my way to think what you'd like and do it. For the longest time, I've wanted to get you flowers and yet, I can only go out to fail at that too. So you're left asking for a break up time and again and I don't even have the courtesy of giving you that. I'm sure you didn't really want it before but as the errors sum upwards, I'm not so sure anymore. You're probably better off without me but I hang on anyway, continuing to think that I can be better and then failing you again.

You once asked me in what way you're beautiful. Your oval face, your full lips. But more than that, your confidence, your smile, those are the things that I found the most beautiful about you. Your inherent need to be better at some things, if not all, your hunger for knowledge, your desire to contribute to something meaningful. Whereas I have always endeavored for mediocrity, whether I realized until now, I do not know, but that seems to be the case.

It seems silly to write you a post now, at a low point of our relationship. I'm sure this was not what you were expecting when you said you wanted one, though I've said that I only write at low points. I do appreciate you, Jade, and I do want this to work. I'm trying to be more attentive, I'm trying to be better. I suppose just like how I catch you at low points, you'll catch me at low points. I don't know if I'm the one bringing you down. I'm sure there are times when I do not, but the reality of our situation is this. We'll both find each other at peaks and troughs. Needing to justify the countless times you'll be upset with me in the future does not bode well for us, and for sure, I don't expect you to want to or have to put up with it. But I hope that you do. I'm sorry and I will do better. I love you.