Awareness, I don't got it

I'm so tired of life. Can you feel it in my words? Probably not. How could you? I've written four sentences so far, none with any amount of detail at all. Do you think you can judge me in four sentences? If you do, you're wrong. I may be meaningless but do you even know what a meaningless person is? Do you even know how a person can become meaningless? In hindsight, I probably didn't need to write all that crap. I doubt anyone thinks they can judge me from the first four sentences of this paragraph. On the other hand, you've probably heard it said enough times to want to forego reading this post altogether. If that's how you feel, I understand. Truly, I understand. The fact of the matter is, this is a stupid post. Why I bother writing it at all escapes me. This post is an embodiment of just about every other post on this stupid blog; depressing to read but with no context whatsoever. I'm surprised this blog gets read at all. It's like the only thing I do on this blog is find new ways to be depressing. Do I do that well? I've been told I do. If you could do me a favour, I'd like to know if that's true.

I feel so lazy and unmotivated. I feel like there's just nothing left for me on this planet. I feel suffocated and alone. I feel lonely and purposeless. What are we doing for ourselves on this planet? We work and we work and we work. When we're old, we stop but then it's too late because we then find ourselves craving something to do, work if it must be that. We just get so bored that we want something in our lives, even if it's something so meaningless as work. We question our purpose on Earth and some may turn to God, some may go help homeless children, some may visit old people, some engage in charity, some turn to their old and withering spouse, wondering which of them will die first, some engage in stupid activities like, well, i'm sure everyone knows some form of stupid activity, while some don't even question. I don't even know what to say about a person who only just starts to think about his/her purpose after they've stopped working so I just won't.

It begs the question though, what is our purpose? Well, it doesn't really... I'm just saying that to fuck with you. If I didn't know what our purpose was, I wouldn't be so damn upset. Actually, not knowing would also upset me a fair bit. Something put us on Earth, a little planet in a galaxy so vast, you couldn't even start to imagine the actual vastness that we're talking about. He sends stars kaboom, He puts us in the path of asteroids, He makes our species unsustainable, He shows us all these planets that are uninhabitable, just balls of elements, basically, and He speaks of an inevitable Doomsday in His little black book. I think you know where I'm getting at. Basically, we have no purpose beyond death. If everyone dies, then that must be the purpose. AmIright? Probably not but I don't even give a fuck. I'm convinced that there really isn't any purpose to be had. You can talk about destiny and fate and all that other rubbish but they're just bullshit. If a person comes up to me and talks to me about destiny, I'll punch their faces in so hard, it would create a time warp, that would kill that mother fucker three years ago.

^ All that is rubbish. I'm just feeling like a piece of shit right now. I wish I knew why. If I did, this post would be a lot more meaningful. Basically, I'm just upset, I don't really know why. I'm upset with myself for being so alone in a world so full of people. I'm upset with myself for having nobody to hug tonight. I'm upset with myself for not having any company. I'm just upset in general and I have no fucking clue why that is. Having no clue why, in itself, also upsets me. Why am I not able to bring the source of these emotions to my awareness? Am I that bloody fucking stupid? I wish I was smarter. Fuck life, signing out.