Zero

I expect a tiring day tomorrow at work. Well, maybe not tiring in the usual sense. It's more like I'm expecting to be as bored as usual which makes me sleepy which means I'll have to try so hard to stay awake which is tiring because... I don't know, fine, not tiring. Just extremely boring.

I know I don't usually do a post about my day to day life but just to add some context to this post, I'll do that. Hopefully, it does add some context and hopefully, I do have a point. Last week, I was given a spreadsheet to assist me in analysing private car thefts. I think I don't have to explain what that is. If anyone reads my posts, I attribute to them a high enough level of intellect. Otherwise, you wouldn't be reading all this crap. Anyway, I spent most of two days on it, or to be more exact, about 16 hours minus the five or so hours nodding off at my workstation. My conclusion, while important to me at the time but not really in general, was partially made and I needed additional information to continue. I approached my colleague to ask him where I may get it. Sure enough, he knew where, he had it, but he proceeded to tell me that my statistics was taken up to June while his consists of newer more relevant information up to August. Naturally, I was dumbfounded. I understood my input to be more valuable than a careless shrug placed so timely at the end of my work. Apparently, my input counted for squat because nobody even gives a flying fuck. Since he was also almost finished with the analysis, I slid away to continue looking at the outdated information, not sure how to continue. That was about two hours before my day at the office ended. I spent the rest of it trying to stay awake looking at numbers no longer relevant to me, to my colleagues, to the company, to anybody at all.

My point is that at the end of the day, do you know where your value lies? Is it in the quality of your work? Is it in the quality of your life? Is it in your life in general? Who knows anymore? For all you know, your value is null. I know mine is. My work has no value and by extension, in the sense that my work would constitute all I am worth to the world, my life value is null. It makes me sad to know this. Truly it does. It makes me feel like I've just had the rug pulled out from under my feet, no warning at all. In the two months I've been doing my internship, I feel I have contributed nothing at all to anybody. What I feel is that I may have learned a thing or two, but I have yet to prove useful beyond grunt work focused at cleaning up someone else mess, someone unimportant and irrelevant to boot. I feel like I have lost all credibility as a person who might have had the potential to bring something to greater heights, though that in itself may be aiming too high, being the single irrelevant person that I am.

I never write these things to garner support or comfort. I don't need those things. I can hold myself up just fine, thank you. I'm just saying these things as a means of expressing something intrinsic in the life we actually hold. To say that we are valuable human beings, each and every one of us, would be an outrageous lie; one that I myself would never believe. At the end of the day, what are you to the people around you?

Signing out.