i don't know when

There's something that's been eating at me for awhile now; and I don't know if I'll be able to actually say what I mean but I'm going to give it a shot.

What's the difference between a friend (would-be lover, just so I'm clear) and a lover? If I factor out the sex (which I've never had so excuse me if a lover without sex is just an unfair representation of a couple), then I find that I can enjoy the company of a friend just as much as a lover, maybe even more. You can miss a friend. If you're close enough, you could probably see them as often as you'd see a lover. You can have fun with a friend. Your friend would probably be less judgemental than a lover. Your friend expects less and enjoys you more. It's easier to maintain a friendship than a steady relationship. If you really wanted, it's not unheard of to take holidays with your friends. So why can't we stay friends and still have a blast?

I don't know when I started thinking of you; all I know is you're always on my mind these days.

I have a friend, very close, very significant in my life right now. I don't know what it is about her, but she's crazy; In a good way. Try to imagine. We've been really close for awhile now but it's only recently that I've been thinking, "Shit, how fun would it be to date her?" And so, I think and I think, and before I knew it, she wouldn't leave my mind. Every day, I want to see her. Every day, I think about her. Every day I don't see her, I think to myself, "Damn, what a wasted day." Every day I'm supposed to see her but I don't, I'm just like, "Do I really want to go out?" But, well, that's fine; after all, we're only just friends. And I think that if I had a handful of people like this, life would just be amazing. And I think, I've really never had this with any of my exes. And I think, "Hey, don't judge me, asshole." Well, that's all well and good but some things, you just don't get, you know what I mean?

So I'm here thinking, how many friends like these do I need before I can get a girlfriend like this? I mean, do I really want to destroy one of the very few amazing friendships that I have? To begin with, would I be destroying the friendship by wanting more than friendship? Well, I don't know. But it doesn't really make sense to throw something so amazing out the window, right? Then again, when can I actually do that? Do I need five amazing friends before I can say, "Hey, let's be more than friends. No? Well, I guess we should see less of each other before I'm comfortable being in your company again." And then there was four. And when there are five again, do I go, "Hey, let's be more than friends. No? Well, fine, but I think we need some distance so I won't be seeing your for awhile." Life confuses me...

So, when do you decide to go for it? Because I would really miss her as a friend if we weren't as close as before I fucked it over. What do I get if we become more than friends? Would it be worth putting the friendship on the line? Well, I don't know. All I know is that I've been suppressing a stupid urge to go for it, knowing, well, that it's stupid.