bring me the lamb, peasant

Bring me the lamb. I shall kill it.

It worries me that I am slightly amused by that statement.

so here's to tonight

So, here's to tonight, one more night I feel like going to sleep and never waking up, one more night which could last forever but won't just to taunt me, one more night that'll see the day because life goes on whether or not you want it to, because deep inside some of us, there is a little part that must die tonight so we can wake up in the morning to start living life like tonight never happened.

Here's to tonight; because some won't make it through the night, that they have the strength to not get up, kudos to them, but if you think they're stupid, maybe you are because not everyone wants to see the morning as much as you do, and I'm sorry if you're offended but I'm just saying it like it is.

Here's to tonight, that it will only last so long is a pity because I need more hours in the day to right the wrongs I've committed, and I need more time to organize my thoughts which are never straight, and the destinations in my head seem so far away and maybe if the night would last longer, maybe I could get there, but I won't, not tonight.

Here's to the time between night and morning, that it takes the effort to separate my two days which are indistinguishable, I am grateful, because tonight I had thoughts and feelings and awareness that are not commensurate with my person; thoughts, feelings and awareness that I wish I didn't have, that this time tries to make me believe in more, I am grateful, because not all things are worth the fight, but some deserve better.

Here's to the morning, because everything is better in the morning, when you've had time to arrange your thoughts; and maybe they're right, maybe time does heal the wounds, maybe, if not today, it will be better tomorrow, or the day after, or the week after, or the year after, or the decade after, but if not, then so be it, at least I know I tried to work, though I am a broken thing, at least I tried to function.

Here's to the afternoon, which knows that you have got shit to do and helps you to not think, because, hey, there is shit to be done.

Here's to the evening, the detestable evening, because it knows you don't want to but it gives you time to gather your thoughts so you may be a better person tonight, although not likely, so that maybe you'll give tomorrow another chance.

And maybe, you'll end the evening, saying, "Here's to tonight, on a brighter note." Maybe.

i don't know when

There's something that's been eating at me for awhile now; and I don't know if I'll be able to actually say what I mean but I'm going to give it a shot.

What's the difference between a friend (would-be lover, just so I'm clear) and a lover? If I factor out the sex (which I've never had so excuse me if a lover without sex is just an unfair representation of a couple), then I find that I can enjoy the company of a friend just as much as a lover, maybe even more. You can miss a friend. If you're close enough, you could probably see them as often as you'd see a lover. You can have fun with a friend. Your friend would probably be less judgemental than a lover. Your friend expects less and enjoys you more. It's easier to maintain a friendship than a steady relationship. If you really wanted, it's not unheard of to take holidays with your friends. So why can't we stay friends and still have a blast?

I don't know when I started thinking of you; all I know is you're always on my mind these days.

I have a friend, very close, very significant in my life right now. I don't know what it is about her, but she's crazy; In a good way. Try to imagine. We've been really close for awhile now but it's only recently that I've been thinking, "Shit, how fun would it be to date her?" And so, I think and I think, and before I knew it, she wouldn't leave my mind. Every day, I want to see her. Every day, I think about her. Every day I don't see her, I think to myself, "Damn, what a wasted day." Every day I'm supposed to see her but I don't, I'm just like, "Do I really want to go out?" But, well, that's fine; after all, we're only just friends. And I think that if I had a handful of people like this, life would just be amazing. And I think, I've really never had this with any of my exes. And I think, "Hey, don't judge me, asshole." Well, that's all well and good but some things, you just don't get, you know what I mean?

So I'm here thinking, how many friends like these do I need before I can get a girlfriend like this? I mean, do I really want to destroy one of the very few amazing friendships that I have? To begin with, would I be destroying the friendship by wanting more than friendship? Well, I don't know. But it doesn't really make sense to throw something so amazing out the window, right? Then again, when can I actually do that? Do I need five amazing friends before I can say, "Hey, let's be more than friends. No? Well, I guess we should see less of each other before I'm comfortable being in your company again." And then there was four. And when there are five again, do I go, "Hey, let's be more than friends. No? Well, fine, but I think we need some distance so I won't be seeing your for awhile." Life confuses me...

So, when do you decide to go for it? Because I would really miss her as a friend if we weren't as close as before I fucked it over. What do I get if we become more than friends? Would it be worth putting the friendship on the line? Well, I don't know. All I know is that I've been suppressing a stupid urge to go for it, knowing, well, that it's stupid.

just another day

The days where I find solace in my being are growing fewer and further between; a circumstance I did not think possible. Then again, they say nothing is impossible. I guess that's not always a good thing. The stupid thing is I don't even know why anymore. I used to know; now it's just a jumble of shit and I'm caught right smack in the middle trying to waddle my way out of tonnes upon tonnes of crap. Maybe I'm just bored, though I don't think that's the problem; or maybe I'm just tired. Tired seems plausible, actually. You know those days where you wish you could go to sleep and never wake up? Life, right?

I think of myself as a very simple person. I don't ask for much. It's not that I keep quiet about things that I want; I just genuinely don't want much. Did anyone ever tell you that contentment is good? They told me that crap too. I don't think it's true. Don't ever look for contentment. When you stop striving, you drown in your own stupid thoughts. It's not healthy. Self reflection is bullshit. People who are upset do things to make themselves feel productive. Guess why. Here's a hint: thinking about life is a mother ______.

Did you know that your mind pays attention only to things that interest you? It's because your senses are so overwhelming that if your mind processes every single detail it is given, it would overload. Guess what I pay attention to. Nevermind, I'll tell you: more or less, nothing. That's how much I care. You must be bored of hearing that by now. It's a recurring theme here though. Sorry.

Bye

of ropes and tight, intricate knots

I'm so bored. What are we waiting for? You tell me it's coming. I don't believe you. You tell me again that it's coming, you insist. It's been decades, my friend. It's not coming. You can take my word for it. "That's not enough," you say. If it comes when we're gone, you can take my life for it. You don't want to believe me, but you have a feeling it's true. It is.

We sit down and wait. "Just for a little while more. I'm tired. I can't wait much longer," I say. You don't want to give up but it's becoming more and more apparent who's right between the two of us. Of course, all it would take to prove me wrong is a fell swoop. Then again, that fell swoop has been a long time coming.

"One day, when you've admitted how right I am, I'll remind you of this day, when you forced me to sit here, waiting for something so vague and uncertain." You laugh and it was meant to be a joke but only partially. We're both tired. I know you are and I've made it completely clear that I am. Yet, we wait. It's a completely rational wait, but it doesn't stop me from feeling stupid just waiting. You're starting to feel stupid too but you try to be optimistic. On some days, you wonder if it's time to get up and go but then you stop yourself. You don't know why you do that but I do. You're starting to wonder if there even is such a thing. You've seen it and I have too but we don't know what we've seen; not really, anyway.

"I'll sit for now but I'm not going to for very long. I'm just sayin."

the stupidest thing i've done

And Kim said, "That's how nice guys like you get fucked over." And I knew she was right. I knew. But the deed is done and, really, I don't regret it. I'm not saying it wasn't stupid as fuck, but I don't regret it. I probably should. That's the most extravagant I've been in a long time; a very long time. See, in that one day, I spent 495 bucks. It goes to reason that I didn't spend most of it on myself. Why else would it be a problem? On a good day, I can go on to say that I didn't spend a single cent. Of course, everybody has days like that, where they just want to shut themselves indoors, maybe kick back in a comfortable sofa, beanbag, whatever have you, and kick some ass on their Xbox; but in all honesty, I can not spend a single cent for days on end. I am so damn thrifty, I drink water to hold back the gastritis and go home and eat like a bawse.

So now you're wondering what I did with 495. Suffice to say, I spent 30 on myself that day. Stupid of me? Maybe. Actually, definitely. I don't know what I was thinking but the remainder didn't seem like much at the time. It doesn't even seem like much now, actually, but the thing is that I'm not even dating this girl. I don't know, but I think most people - like 97.89% - of people would agree that it was the stupidest thing I could have done. They might be right. I don't usually do stupid things. This girl whom I'm not even dating, she has attention handed to her on silver platters. Imagine five silver platters in your face. Now imagine ten. Now imagine a thousand. That's what she has. Fuck that, I don't even care anymore. It took me 465 to realise what a right dumb cunt I've been. So be it. I guess Hansern and love doesn't go in the same sentence.

Fucking off now, K, bye.

For as Long as I've known

It is not known when and why it came to be; all that is known is that it is, for who would question it? Certainly, something so small as a single life on this planet with an abundance of life should not matter much more than a speck of dust in a storage room long forgotten, long ignored and long untouched; and yet, the question and statement remains in this 'speck of dust', for however long it takes to gain consciousness of its surroundings, for however long it decides to live, that is how long it will have to take the punishment of life. All the same, who does he have to blame but himself? Who put him in such a position if not himself? It would seem stupid that such a small thing in this vast universe should be of any value at all, and, yet, we all put value into the meager existences we choose to sustain.

I am unsure how it came to be and why it came to be, but it is there, choosing to live another day, choosing to take the punishment it has so stupidly pushed upon itself, for who is he that he should have the outrageous desire to know the future? Yet, isn't it his future and should he not be granted that much? So let him pay for this desire, the stupid fool, let him pay for it with sweat and blood and deep dark emotions. Let him pay for it with his eyes and his ears and let him pay for it with the knowledge that yesterday was better than today and he should not have had the desire to know. Let him suffer as we punish his mortal mind and body and we shall throw him into the deepest pits of despair and drudgery. We cannot let him get away with such blatant disregard for that which is inevitable: death. And when will it be enough? When his foolish desires wane, when his hunger for knowledge has become far outweighed by the frailty of his mind. Only then will we let him stop paying because only then will we know that he has learnt his lesson.

I am unsure why and how I came to be but I am here, longing foolishly for that which is not mine, for but a sliver of positive emotion. For what seems like forever, I have been tormented by the great illusion that what sits just beyond my grasp is happiness, paying for it with sweat and blood and in the future, when I grow old, with my sight and hearing. I lay helpless as I try to chase that which is not meant to be only to come closer to the end of the road where I may fall and die. If I were to put it so poetically, I am running on a road, the sides of which fall far and deep. At the end of this road, there is a dead end; but if that reminds you of walls on three sides then you are mistaken because this dead end is merely another fall to the far and deep, for whichever way you choose to take, it all ends in that, 'far and deep'.