just a little more than you asked for

Some nights last too long. You don't really know why but it haunts you. So, what eats you, child? So young and so stupid, you think you know it all but you don't really. Is that what eats you? Is that why you cower behind yourself? You don't know anything and that scares you. You don't have to hide it but you do. Why?

So here you go, this is a piece of yourself that you will forever remember. One day in the future, you will get out of bed and remember that you were once even more stupid than you are then. Does it make you proud that you've grown? It shouldn't. You are worthless scum, a nobody with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Sadly, that might be what you will always amount to. Hell, you know it. That's why you want it to end. It won't though.

Your existence is useless and you will forever be stepped on. You are the dirt beneath all the shoes in the world and if anybody has anything to say about it and, yes, they do, that's where you'll be until your last breath. You are the dirt people wash off their hands and the grime people wipe off their boots. You are nothing but a lousy good-for-nothing insect.

So there you go, one more night that lasted too long has come and reminded you your place on this planet. Don't you forget it, boy, because you never deserved life.

the time of day

It's funny how time can pass so quickly and feel like an eternity all at once. Look once, it's two, look again, it's five thirty-six in the morning. All this while, though, all I can think of is how time moves so slowly while it erodes me. Was I always this weak? Possibly. But it never occured to me to show it. And why would I? Sounds like a dumb thing to do, no matter how you look at it.

This life, it tires me. I woke up today, and I sluggishly carried myself through the day, and yesterday was a disaster, the fool that is me lived through it and he does not know why. This life, it really tires me. It tires me right down to my bones and I can feel it coming, the wave of boredom and meaninglessness that will one day drive me insane. So tired and so bored and so wasted on this stupid life. This is just unadulterated bullshit.

bring me the lamb, peasant

Bring me the lamb. I shall kill it.

It worries me that I am slightly amused by that statement.

so here's to tonight

So, here's to tonight, one more night I feel like going to sleep and never waking up, one more night which could last forever but won't just to taunt me, one more night that'll see the day because life goes on whether or not you want it to, because deep inside some of us, there is a little part that must die tonight so we can wake up in the morning to start living life like tonight never happened.

Here's to tonight; because some won't make it through the night, that they have the strength to not get up, kudos to them, but if you think they're stupid, maybe you are because not everyone wants to see the morning as much as you do, and I'm sorry if you're offended but I'm just saying it like it is.

Here's to tonight, that it will only last so long is a pity because I need more hours in the day to right the wrongs I've committed, and I need more time to organize my thoughts which are never straight, and the destinations in my head seem so far away and maybe if the night would last longer, maybe I could get there, but I won't, not tonight.

Here's to the time between night and morning, that it takes the effort to separate my two days which are indistinguishable, I am grateful, because tonight I had thoughts and feelings and awareness that are not commensurate with my person; thoughts, feelings and awareness that I wish I didn't have, that this time tries to make me believe in more, I am grateful, because not all things are worth the fight, but some deserve better.

Here's to the morning, because everything is better in the morning, when you've had time to arrange your thoughts; and maybe they're right, maybe time does heal the wounds, maybe, if not today, it will be better tomorrow, or the day after, or the week after, or the year after, or the decade after, but if not, then so be it, at least I know I tried to work, though I am a broken thing, at least I tried to function.

Here's to the afternoon, which knows that you have got shit to do and helps you to not think, because, hey, there is shit to be done.

Here's to the evening, the detestable evening, because it knows you don't want to but it gives you time to gather your thoughts so you may be a better person tonight, although not likely, so that maybe you'll give tomorrow another chance.

And maybe, you'll end the evening, saying, "Here's to tonight, on a brighter note." Maybe.

i don't know when

There's something that's been eating at me for awhile now; and I don't know if I'll be able to actually say what I mean but I'm going to give it a shot.

What's the difference between a friend (would-be lover, just so I'm clear) and a lover? If I factor out the sex (which I've never had so excuse me if a lover without sex is just an unfair representation of a couple), then I find that I can enjoy the company of a friend just as much as a lover, maybe even more. You can miss a friend. If you're close enough, you could probably see them as often as you'd see a lover. You can have fun with a friend. Your friend would probably be less judgemental than a lover. Your friend expects less and enjoys you more. It's easier to maintain a friendship than a steady relationship. If you really wanted, it's not unheard of to take holidays with your friends. So why can't we stay friends and still have a blast?

I don't know when I started thinking of you; all I know is you're always on my mind these days.

I have a friend, very close, very significant in my life right now. I don't know what it is about her, but she's crazy; In a good way. Try to imagine. We've been really close for awhile now but it's only recently that I've been thinking, "Shit, how fun would it be to date her?" And so, I think and I think, and before I knew it, she wouldn't leave my mind. Every day, I want to see her. Every day, I think about her. Every day I don't see her, I think to myself, "Damn, what a wasted day." Every day I'm supposed to see her but I don't, I'm just like, "Do I really want to go out?" But, well, that's fine; after all, we're only just friends. And I think that if I had a handful of people like this, life would just be amazing. And I think, I've really never had this with any of my exes. And I think, "Hey, don't judge me, asshole." Well, that's all well and good but some things, you just don't get, you know what I mean?

So I'm here thinking, how many friends like these do I need before I can get a girlfriend like this? I mean, do I really want to destroy one of the very few amazing friendships that I have? To begin with, would I be destroying the friendship by wanting more than friendship? Well, I don't know. But it doesn't really make sense to throw something so amazing out the window, right? Then again, when can I actually do that? Do I need five amazing friends before I can say, "Hey, let's be more than friends. No? Well, I guess we should see less of each other before I'm comfortable being in your company again." And then there was four. And when there are five again, do I go, "Hey, let's be more than friends. No? Well, fine, but I think we need some distance so I won't be seeing your for awhile." Life confuses me...

So, when do you decide to go for it? Because I would really miss her as a friend if we weren't as close as before I fucked it over. What do I get if we become more than friends? Would it be worth putting the friendship on the line? Well, I don't know. All I know is that I've been suppressing a stupid urge to go for it, knowing, well, that it's stupid.

just another day

The days where I find solace in my being are growing fewer and further between; a circumstance I did not think possible. Then again, they say nothing is impossible. I guess that's not always a good thing. The stupid thing is I don't even know why anymore. I used to know; now it's just a jumble of shit and I'm caught right smack in the middle trying to waddle my way out of tonnes upon tonnes of crap. Maybe I'm just bored, though I don't think that's the problem; or maybe I'm just tired. Tired seems plausible, actually. You know those days where you wish you could go to sleep and never wake up? Life, right?

I think of myself as a very simple person. I don't ask for much. It's not that I keep quiet about things that I want; I just genuinely don't want much. Did anyone ever tell you that contentment is good? They told me that crap too. I don't think it's true. Don't ever look for contentment. When you stop striving, you drown in your own stupid thoughts. It's not healthy. Self reflection is bullshit. People who are upset do things to make themselves feel productive. Guess why. Here's a hint: thinking about life is a mother ______.

Did you know that your mind pays attention only to things that interest you? It's because your senses are so overwhelming that if your mind processes every single detail it is given, it would overload. Guess what I pay attention to. Nevermind, I'll tell you: more or less, nothing. That's how much I care. You must be bored of hearing that by now. It's a recurring theme here though. Sorry.

Bye

of ropes and tight, intricate knots

I'm so bored. What are we waiting for? You tell me it's coming. I don't believe you. You tell me again that it's coming, you insist. It's been decades, my friend. It's not coming. You can take my word for it. "That's not enough," you say. If it comes when we're gone, you can take my life for it. You don't want to believe me, but you have a feeling it's true. It is.

We sit down and wait. "Just for a little while more. I'm tired. I can't wait much longer," I say. You don't want to give up but it's becoming more and more apparent who's right between the two of us. Of course, all it would take to prove me wrong is a fell swoop. Then again, that fell swoop has been a long time coming.

"One day, when you've admitted how right I am, I'll remind you of this day, when you forced me to sit here, waiting for something so vague and uncertain." You laugh and it was meant to be a joke but only partially. We're both tired. I know you are and I've made it completely clear that I am. Yet, we wait. It's a completely rational wait, but it doesn't stop me from feeling stupid just waiting. You're starting to feel stupid too but you try to be optimistic. On some days, you wonder if it's time to get up and go but then you stop yourself. You don't know why you do that but I do. You're starting to wonder if there even is such a thing. You've seen it and I have too but we don't know what we've seen; not really, anyway.

"I'll sit for now but I'm not going to for very long. I'm just sayin."